1. Treated myself to some new jeans, a new pair of converse and some funky socks today. It’s been forever since I last bought new clothes :) I’m feeling really good about it.

    Also this afternoon I rendered a glycerin-based tincture I’ve been working on for the past three months (from winter solstice to spring equinox) and it tastes amazing; organic whole rose buds and organic lemon balm for hormonal balance, relief from muscle cramps, relaxation and mood elevation.

    Today was really nice.

     

  2. There is something so flattering and refreshing about a person noticeably making space for me in their life without treating it like an inconvenience or imposition.

    I am extremely flexible and easygoing but like everyone else in the world I have preferences, and when you take my preferences into consideration while making plans it makes me feel valued.

     

  3. Many of the monsters I face, I’ve created in my own mind. My lack of trust in others shackles me in frigid isolation. A lack of faith in my ability to make the best decision cripples me; I am lost in indecision. The weight of undigested trauma binds my hands and feet, but I am clawing a way out. So help me, everyday I am clawing my way out.

     

  4. I’m learning that sometimes it’s more productive to speak your mind and risk embarrassment than to hold your tongue and choke to death on words you were too afraid to say.

     

  5. Waaaahhhh! I hate experiences that make me act reactive and irrational.

     

  6. If I could do anything in the world for the rest of my life I would choose to travel the world singing and dancing as a glamorous cabaret performer, documenting every experience for my riveting tell-all memoir (published posthumously, of course) and soaking it all in until my very last breath

     

  7. If you talk to yourself sometimes it’s perfectly ok, please don’t feel “crazy” or weird or stupid, I do it too :) *high fives ya* you’re gonna be alright, champ!

     

  8. I was once a very unhappy teenage girl living on chocolate slim fast shakes, booze, diet red bulls and toxic “fat burning” pills. Coping with poverty, feelings of abandonment, experiences of sexual abuse and chronic mental dis-ease through self harm, disordered eating and drug addiction, spiraling downward into a vacuum of self loathing and self destruction. I missed / skipped something like 40 days of school my senior year and had to make up math credits in night school at a nearby community college and graduated a month late (with 6 varsity letters and 3 state level awards for writing and journalism, mind you. *buffs nails on stained sweatshirt sleeve*)…

    I’m still so young and I struggled through so much, so early. Sometimes I just have to stop and remind myself where I come from, and all the difficult experiences I’ve already lived through. Someday today will be a memory. Someday I’ll look back to where I am now and say fondly “ahh, yes! And look how far I’ve come.”

     

  9. I may not float around with sunshine and rainbows falling out of my ass constantly but I’m here and I’m real, and I’m showing up to life everyday fully committed to my own evolution as a person, trying my damnedest to have a positive net impacted on the lives of those around me.

     

  10. Taking myself out for an adventure today. Packing my camera and snacks (and maybe a little psilocybin, shhh don’t tell) and heading for someplace greener.

     

  11. Weary heart is weary

    I don’t tell people what I’m mixed with anymore because, really, it’s nobody’s business. Sometimes people will argue with me when I tell them; they’ll say something like “oh, are you sure? Because you don’t really look xxxxx.”

    They other day a woman asked me and I replied “whatever you think, that’s all that matters, right?”

    She muttered something about her being curious and me being rude to which I hissed back “not as rude as your nosiness!”

    And maybe it was rude, I honestly didn’t care.

    ———————————-

    Last weekend I went to a halloween party. There was a cis white gay dude who kept telling me I was pretty and feeling me up, saying “it’s cool I’m gay” and making graphic sexual comments to me about what he would do the male guests.

    Later I found out he had assumed I was a lesbian (happens often, I don’t sweat it) and idk, for some reason that would justify his behavior? I still don’t understand it but I was very uncomfortable and had to ask him to stop touching me more than once.

    We were standing in the middle of a crowded kitchen when he drunkenly started repeating to me “Straight people suck. Fuck straight people. Am I right?”

    Over and over again trying to get a response from me for the entertainment of the group of strangers around me… while rubbing my lower back and touching. my. ass! Just, FUCKING YUCK.

    I was mortified and embarrassed; it’s my choice how I identify publicly- gender, sexuality, ethnic identity- these are my choices to make; my stories to share, or my secrets to keep.

    I’m so sick of strangers asserting themselves into my business. I’m so sick of identity / ethnicity / sexuality / gender sleuths looking to crack my case wide open and solve the mysteries of my identity.

    Who I am is not a mystery to me, and I don’t owe anyone any explanations.

    I’m just a woman living my life while trying my best to respect others, and I won’t settle for anything less than exact reciprocity.

     

  12. Embarking on the most elaborate, longest running “trust, work diligently and The Universe provides” experiment of my life. Here’s hoping it all pays off by next summer… *laces up work boots* *crosses fingers* let’s do this.

     

  13. Tgif

    Just gotta make it through this last shift today, then I have (want? I never can tell…) to attend a bday party tonight for a coworker. Then: THE WEEKEND! Finally! Oof. I’m ready.

     

  14. Update (10/6/13)

    Yesterday I hung out with some cool gals from work. We canned all day; pluot jam, salsa, tomato sauce and tons of pickled veggies. We also picked apples, help tend a garden, baked an apple / plum pie and a crumble and ate them with coconut milk ice cream, ate nachos and drank beer and smoked spliffs in the sun and it was quite possibly the most perfect day I’ve experienced in a long time. Life is good, all things considered… I do have 2 wisdom teeth that need pulling soon, no bike, debt to tackle, etc., but I’m grateful for the amazing people coming in my life right now and very excited for the future. xx

     

  15. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is moving on to big things while I’m stuck in the same place, my feet rooted in mud of indecision.

    (Source: elizabeth-antoinette)